Pairing: Spike/Xander, William/Alexander
Summary: William and Alexander, two noble angels, are given a new task by the Lord: To play guardian angels to a pair of Scoobies.
Notes: I mean no harm by the, err, making fun of God and anything associated with Christianity. But, dude, God is going to smite me.
William slowly blinked as the shock hit his brain. Unable to say anything of intelligence, he turned to his companion. Alexander was frowning in confusion. Sighing, William turned back to the large throne before them. "My Lord, surely their old guardians could be convinced to return to their duties?"
"It is no use." A booming voice replied with a hint of agitation. "Marshall and Calamity refuse to return to their post. I must admit these two mortals are the worst sort for a guardian angel."
"I thought one was a vampire?" Alexander asked, still frowning.
"He is, but even vampires do not last for eternity. Therefore, to our kind, he is a mortal." William informed him.
"One would think that him being a vampire would attribute to the five guardian angels they have gone through." God commented with a curious glint in what would be considered his eyes. "But, alas, it does not seem so. I'm not sure why Marshall resigned, but Calamity kept mumbling something about flesh." A slight rush of hair met their faces as God shook his mighty head. "Nevertheless, St. Peter will issue you their information sheets before you head down."
William slowly stood and, grabbing a hold of Alexander's left wing, directed his fellow angel through the door. Once it shut behind them, Alexander stopped and turned to him. "I've never been to Earth..."
"Eh, it's not that big of a deal." William informed Alexander as he led them down the hall.
"When have you been to the land of mortals?" Alexander demanded. "You've never told me!"
"I don't tell you everything." William pointed out needlessly. Alexander gave him a hurt look at this information. "Oh, hush. It was the Middle Ages and God was hoping to deter that Black Plague before it killed anyone, so he sent down a cleaning crew."
"What happened?" Alexander asked as they passed through a large arch and into what looked to be a recreational center filled with three bars, pinball machines, pool tables, and a jukebox that was currently blasting some form of heavy metal.
"Mead, my friend." William informed him as they approached a pool table. "We all got distracted by the mead."
"And that, dear Gabriel, is why I am Jesus' rock and you are a mere archangel!" A tall, dark headed man boasted. Like everyone else in Heaven, he gave off a slight ethereal light. Across the pool table, glaring at the speaker, was a large, blonde, and muscular angel with a wingspan of six feet. Alexander stared at Gabriel, feeling inadequate with only a four and a half foot wingspan.
"There is no need to boast, Peter." Gabriel muttered in a deep voice.
"Look, Gabby, just because you were hoping to get a nice feel of my ass with that last shot, doesn't mean you can't face the facts." St. Peter stated, for only he would dare to speak of homosexual acts within the realm of the Lord.
"Why you little--" Gabriel started.
"You should feel proud I even let you play near my presence." St. Peter continued, as Gabriel gave a huff and walked off. Smirking, the man turned toward them. "Why, hello there!"
"Uh, hey." Alexander gave a slight wave.
"St. Peter." William greeted. "We're here for the information sheets on--"
"Hush! Let me guess." St. Peter scrunched up his nose in thought. "Wesley Wyndham-Pryce and Charles Gunn!"
"Err, no." William shook his head.
"Really?" St. Peter frowned, eyeing them carefully. "I could have sworn you were a couple... Huh, my gaydar must be off."
"I am not-!" Alexander started.
"Alexander." William snapped, cutting his companion off. "You lack the necessary equipment to be gay so don't let him bother you."
"So, you aren't Wesley and Charles' new guardian angels?" St. Peter asked, looking rather disappointed. "Too bad. Especially with that new temptation they've received. Terrible thing, really. They call it a Fred... Haven't exactly figured out why..."
"No, we have received different charges." Alexander informed him, his voice indicating how much he wished to be away from St. Peter.
"Hmmm." St. Peter's nose scrunched up once more, before a look of dawning appeared on his face. "By the Lord above... Or down the hall, as it is! Are you sure you aren't gay?"
"Rather certain." Alexander growled. William shifted next to him, eyes darting away. St. Peter frowned at them again, looking for all the world as though he didn't believe them. "What?"
"Well... I have sent five different guardian angels to these two men since they became a couple-- Yes, they are a couple. --And I finally had to tell our Lord that the only two angels that could survive them would be gay angels." St. Peter informed them.
"Wait..." Alexander developed a look of pure horror, before grabbing William's arm and shaking his friend. "William! God thinks we're gay!"
"No." William insisted. "I'm sure it's a misunderstanding."
"No, I was rather insistent that you both be of the male loving variety." St. Peter informed them, picking up the eight ball from the pool table and tossing it from hand to hand.
"William!" Alexander whined, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. St. Peter's eyes trailed down Alexander's bare chest until they reached the space in which his unspeakable would be... If he were a man. St. Peter cleared his throat and glanced up to find William glaring at him.
"Don't even-" William started.
"William." Alexander interrupted. "Don't you get it? God. Thinks. We. Are. Gay."
"Look, why don't we just calm down and go do our job?" William suggested, wrapping an arm around Alexander's shoulders.
"I... Well... Okay." Alexander sighed. "But if they start making comments at the next office party--"
"I won't let them say anything." Willow interrupted, giving St. Peter a dark look as the martyr smirked. William pulled Alexander out of the room and down the hall, where the teleporters awaited them. "Let's just go visit this Spike and Xander."
"Right. It can't be that bad." Alexander took a deep breath and entered the teleporter with William. They exited in a small master bedroom. It was dark out and two figures were in the bed. Alexander frowned and took a step forward, before he realized what he was seeing. "I was wrong. It could be bad, as well as worse."
"I had no idea humans could bend like that." William commented, tilting his head as the duo on the bed caused the headboard to bang repeatedly against the wall. Next to him, Alexander jerked in shock as the telephone rang.
"What's that?" Alexander exclaimed.
"It's a telephone." William informed him. On the bed, the two figures let out groans of annoyance.
"Bloody hell, let it ring." A British voice insisted. The other man ignored this order and rolled over, reaching for the phone.
"Hello?" A voice asked. "Huh? Oh... Oh, okay. We're coming."
"Well, we were." The other muttered.
"Spike, Buffy found some demon near the woods." The non-British man said, standing. Alexander let out a squeak as he saw the man's unmentionables. William smirked and eyed the mortal. "She needs our help."
Spike let out a long series of curses that left Alexander blushing furiously. William was oddly impressed by the vampire's language abilities. He probably said 'bloody fucking hell' in twelve different forms. With a deep, dreadful sigh, Spike stood up and pulled on his jeans. "Xander, we need to learn to unplug the phone when we're shagging."
"Look, the faster we get there, the sooner we can sneak away and have kinky wood sex." Xander replied.
"Oh my..." Alexander whispered. William chuckled and thanked the Lord that Xander and Spike couldn't see them.
"As long as I'm not the one getting poked in the arse by a twig, that's fine with me, love." Spike told him as they exited the bedroom.
"But I thought you liked being poked in the ass." Xander teased. William watched as Alexander turned a little red at this development. Smirking, he followed the duo out the door.
Less than an hour later they found themselves standing at the side of a clearing, watching, as their charges were beat up by some ghastly creature right out of the depths of hell. William had a feeling Lucifer was teasing them with his new found alliance with the demon population. Arrogant jackass. Alexander was looking paler and paler by the second as his personal mortal was thrown for the second time into a large oak tree. Alexander managed to throw a ball of energy toward him, cushioning the blow slightly.
"He's going to get himself killed!" Alexander insisted.
"Mostly likely, yes." William agreed, before letting out a cheer as Spike shifted into vampire form and ripped the demon's arm off. "Oh, I like this Spike. He's rather violent."
"Well, that was easier than I thought." The short female with the extra strength announced, looking at the dead demon. She turned to Xander and Spike with a smile. "Thanks."
"No problem." Xander nodded.
"Was to a problem." Spike muttered. "I could be cock deep in your--"
"Oh, look at the time!" Xander exclaimed, grabbing Spike and pulling him away. "Time to go home! People to do-- I mean things to do! Yup, home. Gotta clean the ktichen."
"But I thought we were having wood sex!" Spike protested.
William glanced at the Slayer, watching as a look of disgust and, underneath that, a hint of arousal hit her face. Smirking, William made his way toward the path that his charge had taken. Alexander followed, looking far too mopey for his own good. They walked for some time, though it didn't bother them any. They were angels, after all.
"Oh, God, yeah, pet." Spike's guttural moan could be heard a few feet away. Alexander's jaw dropped as they finally spotted the two males pressed against the trunk of a tree, their pants down. William tilted his head to get a better look. "Harder, that's it, harder."
"Oh, this is so... Sinful!" Alexander exclaimed.
"Pipe down. Looks kind of fun to me." William replied, licking his lips and watching as the muscles in Xander's arse flexed with each thrust.
"Fun! Fun!" Alexander screeched, waving a hand in the direction of the wood sex. "This is a carnal act of the utmost... Utmost... Well, I don't know, but I bet it's sinful! Besides... Doesn't that hurt?"
"Uhn, Spike, you feel so good!" Xander moaned out.
"Apparently not." William leered.
"You, too, pet... Fuck, yeah! That's the spot." Spike growled, his arms reaching up to grip at the trunk with his fingers, nails digging into the wood.
"He's going to hurt himself." William commented. "That's wood, the dumbarse. It's going to get under his nails."
"Then stop him." Alexander suggested.
"Nah, he's having too much fun." William replied.
They continued to watch the show before them in silence. William was having a blast. This was the most fun he'd had since Woodstock. Alexander looked like he was about to pass out, though. William's companion had been shifting around from his spot on the forest floor for the past ten minutes.
"What is wrong with you?" William finally demanded as Xander and Spike started up their third round of wood sex. William was slightly impressed. He had no idea humans could last as long as vampires when it came to this sort of activity.
"...Nothing." Alexander snapped. Another minute passed and Alexander continued to shift, though he added blushing to the list of activity.
"Seriously, what's wrong?" William asked, turning away from the provocative sight to look at his fellow angel. Alexander took a moment to look embarrassed, before clearing his throat. "Well?"
"I... I think I'm gay."
"Alexander, I told you--"
"No, I know." Alexander interrupted. He stood up and turned toward William, smiling sheepishly. "But... Uhh, you promise not to yell at me?" William nodded. "I really want to be doing that to you right now."
William followed Alexander's pointer finger to find Xander and Spike kissing. Their tongues dueled, Xander's breathing came in short gasps, and Spike's hand was gripping Xander's left butt cheek.
"Really?" William asked. Alexander nodded. "Oh, well... Okay, then."
Alexander let out a yelp as William tackled him to the ground, mouth plundering his own.
"Hey, Spike?" Xander asked, pulling away from the vampire. "Do you hear something?"
"Nah, must be the wind." Spike replied. "Come on, let's get home before the sun rises."
The next day...
"Alexander and William... I'm very disappointed in you." God informed them, watching as the two angels bowed their heads in shame. "I expected you to protect spike and Xander. They were very important in the scheme of things."
"Can't you just... Bring them back to life?" William asked. God glared. "Sorry."
"The damage is already done. That herd of deer killed them. Dead as doornails." God said. "Couldn’t you have waited to enjoy each other's flesh until after they made it home?"
"We're really sorry--" Alexander started.
"No more!" God sighed. "I've heard enough. Leave my space immediately. I will take your accident up with Michael and Gabriel."
Trying to not sigh, William stood and dragged a whining Alexander out of the room. They walked desolately down the hallway, rounding the corner and making their way past the Pearly Gates.
"Bloody hell, pet, I think we're dead." A thick British voice commented. William stiffened and turned to see Spike standing next to an annoyed looking St. Peter. On the other side of him was Xander, who was looking around with wide eyes. "Killed by a bunch of bloody deer. What is the world coming to?"
"Does this mean I made it to heaven?" Xander asked in awe.
"Apparently so." St. Peter replied, giving Spike the seductive eye. Xander glared and attempted to put the former vampire behind him.
"This is going to be interesting." William commented.